Category: Joke Board
Stoffel’s Guide to Summer Vacations
© 2010 by S. M. Stoffel
It’s summertime, and you know what that means: Time to pack your golf clubs, fishing gear and silk pajamas and tell your spouse you’re going on a business trip. Hey, you can do that any time of the year! How about taking your family somewhere for a change?
Where to go and what to do for the optimum recreational catastrophe depends a lot on certain factors. No, don’t start watching the Weather Channel—weather has nothing to do with it. If there’s a hurricane pounding the shore, what better time to go to the beach? You don’t have to contend with crowds, and the surf will be awesome. The kids will get the thrill of their lives. And if there are any left when it’s time to go home, there’s always next year.
Only kidding! Now, let’s get down to some serious analysis here.
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any grief, misery or divorce that occurs on your summer vacation. However, if you have a blast, I take full credit.
Vacations for Families with Children
Forget about golf and fishing. You’ve sacrificed your happiness for the joy of having children, so you’ve got to plan something the kids will enjoy. Kids demand constant excitement on their vacations, but they aren’t as hard to please as your secretary.
If You Have YOUNG Children: Take them to a resort near a theme park. Most kids love rides, so be sure the resort you select is at least a 10-hour ride from your home. Yes, I know they get impatient in the car and constantly ask, “Are we there yet?” But this is good build-up for the fun to come, and it gives them practice for waiting in line to go on the roller coasters. Feed them nothing but junk food the whole time you’re on vacation; it’s cheap, they like it, and you’ll get some priceless footage of them puking over the side of the roller coaster as it zooms by.
If You Have TEENAGE Children: Teens are a little harder to control in the backseat, so floor the gas pedal and get to your resort QALM (Quick As Lightning, Man). For long drives, you can amuse them by weaving recklessly through traffic. Remember to hit the exit ramp at 90 mph and screw the seatbelts. Teens like theme parks, too, but you have to find one that has rides with names like “Death Coaster” and “Plane Crash.” Take teenage boys to see a demolition derby to get them ready for borrowing your car. Teenage girls aren’t as interested in destroyed vehicles as the boys, so take them to a mall and let them wreck your credit cards.
If You Have ADULT Children: Take them to a job fair—and leave them there.
Vacations for Couples
It’s important to get away from work and worries once in a while and take your spouse or lover—but never both—somewhere fun and relaxing. A romantic tropical island resort, a cabin in the mountains or a Caribbean cruise are just a few escape routes you might consider. The key is to get as far away from home as possible. See, your boss would just love to spoil your vacation by calling you and telling you there’s an “emergency” that requires you to return immediately. So make sure the old killjoy has to pay serious bucks on long-distance to connect with you. At the very least, get out of the country, or better yet, leave the solar system.
If You Are a YOUNG Couple: Go somewhere that offers plenty of outdoor things to do. Even if you’re not particularly athletic, get out there and have some fun! Try something you’ve never done before, like stop and ask for directions when you can’t find the freaking place. Young people tend to have lots of energy to burn but far less money, so the great outdoors offers affordable ways to beat the crap out of yourselves. Try waterskiing, rock-climbing, running from hungry cougars in the Andes—anything that will get your adrenaline flowing. Then when you get back to the hotel, you can vow never to try that again and develop more appreciation for watching Friends reruns on TV.
If You Are a MIDDLE-AGE Couple: By now, you’ve probably had enough of cougars and want to keep the great outdoors confined to the golf course and tennis court. You don’t even have to leave town for that, but don’t forget that Big Bad Boss thing. It’s better to play golf in Madagascar than to have your vacation interrupted on the third hole. Now that you’re a little older and (hopefully) wealthier, you can give more thought to quality dining, too. Find some place that serves fresh cougar steaks for the ultimate revenge. Oh, quit worrying about the pets or kids you left behind! The kennel will take good care of them.
If You Are an ELDERLY Couple: You probably don’t have to worry about the boss anymore, so no need to flee the country just to play bingo. Choose a domestic destination that offers lots to see. No, I don’t mean going to Hooters. Go somewhere that offers comfortable sightseeing tours. Don’t worry if you’ve been there before, because you’ve probably forgotten it all, anyway. If you really want something more physical than looking out bus windows, you could visit a zoo and tease the cougars with your cane.
Wherever you go, I do hope you enjoy your summer vacation. Please say hi to the cougars for me.
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S. M. Stoffel is a systems engineer, publisher and writer. Some of his published works can be found on Amazon.com. http://www.hubpages.com/hub/stoffelsguide HubPages HubPages and Hubbers (authors) may earn revenue on this page based on affiliate relationships and advertisements with partners including Amazon, eBay, Google, and others.
This was very entertaining, John. Thanks for posting.
The sad part, is my dad's threatened us, with those kinds of vacations. Really sad? I wanted, and still do, to go! Hahaha
Blessings,
Aunt Hot Wheels
lol, I got that from Facebook and had to share.
and yes, I got permition.
No, Mr. Raddio. I thought you'd break rules for Anthony, Meow, and Scotty to see. Of course, you got permission, silly. Or, they'd take this topic down faster than you could think! LOL Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Well, I didn't wanna, so I didn't.
Blessings,
Auntie Hot Wheels
lol saracans.
I mean I got permition from scott stoffel.